I'm still trying to get my way through Comic Relief and every time I see one of their films about the despair that some people very sadly have to go through I couldn't help think what a selfish pair of cunts Russell Howard and Michael McIntyre are. Didn't I say that we'd all give money to Comic Relief? Didn't I put Comic Relief's number in my blog? All they had to do is have one little punch-up and they couldn't even be bothered doing that. The fucking cunts. They are both worse than paedophiles as far as I'm concerned. There are people DYING out there, Russell and Michael, you could stop that but you fucking refuse to. For every punch to Michael's face, wouldn't we all have pledged £5? For every boot-fuck to Russell's back wouldn't we have dug deep in our pockets? But no. Those two are too busy obsessing over their careers to even think about the little people.
When I heard on Friday night that the might of Michael McIntyre was up against rock-hard Russell Howard, I never once thought that a story as credible as that could turn out to be a rumour but, I'm heartbroken to say, it was. Russell confirmed it himself on the Facebook version of this blog yesterday. At first I didn't believe it was really him. I thought it was an alias. But the truth was revealed in a very clever ps at the end of his comment. It read "ps This isn't an alias". So that gave me the proof I needed. And, yes, I'm very disappointed in him. We don't ask much of our stars. Just once, every two years, it'd be nice to see them knock the fuck out of one another and give something back to the people who put them up there in the first place. Neither of them started a fight at The Comedy Store on friday night and they should both be ashamed of themselves.
Johnny Candon and I wouldn't let you down like that. There are still some tickets left for King of Everything tonight at the Hen & Chickens Theatre, Islington and we both pledge right now that if we sell out then at the end of the show, not only will we give all the Box Office to Comic Relief but we will have a massive fight to celebrate. Yeah, it won't be as funny as watching McIntyre and Howard fighting but at least we're trying. We're trying to help. Won't you join us? Call 020 7704 2001 now and book your ticket. They're only £5 and you'll be giving to Comic Relief (if we sell out).
See? That's how easy it is to be selfless.