I'm getting old. I only found out yesterday when I was tidying up my house.
I've decided to get rid of a lot of stuff that clutters up my house. CD's, DVD's, books, games, a bizarre amount of London A-Z's are all getting chucked or eBayed. The thing is, the items that I own are constantly telling me that I'm not 23 anymore. That's a good enough reason to get rid of them if you ask me. Parklife is 15 years old. How the fuck did that happen? It only came out about 5 years ago so it can't be 15 years old. It's umpossible. Foxbase Alpha is 18 years old! What the fuck? It can't be 18 years old because it's so modern and futuristic and I've just moved to London and it's telling me everything that I want to know and everything I feel about this city. It can't be 18 years old because Sarah Cracknell's only about 25 and me and my mate Phat Paul were sitting in Dingwalls oogling her and that was only last year or something. Plus, it just can't be 18 years old because if it's 18 years old then I must be 40 and that's RIDICULOUS.
Tidying up is quite an awful thing anyway but it's a lot worse when the things that you're tidying up start ridiculing you. The CD's of my youth laugh at me because they've remained youthful and vibrant and my Doctor Who/Star Wars/Batman DVD's that are relatively new remind me that I'm a fucking idiotic man-child. You see? This is why men don't do housework, Chicks. It's not because we're lazy, it's because of the bullying and mental scarring that we have to go through. Women are lucky. They have the mental capacity to understand fully that we all grow old and one day we will die. Men haven't a fucking clue about that. One minute you're a child riding a bike, discovering girls and burying your head in a comic and before you know it you're a middle-aged lump, sitting in your own piss and burying your head in a comic.
At least I'm not Daniel's Dad. If I've done anything in my life, it's that. I've achieved the lofty position of not being Daniel's Dad. Being Daniel's Dad must be awful and I can only assume that he is a very broken man. Daniel is a kid I saw in the park today and he's a prick and a half. So is his mum. So, you see, being Daniel's Dad must surely be about as bad as life gets. Not only have you helped create this fucking dickhead called Daniel but you've also put your precious, precious penis into that heap of arse known as Daniel's mum.
Daniel and his mum were cycling through the park today and passed me while I was at the river throwing the ball for Jerk. Daniel, the big prick, decided that he wanted to ride his bike in the river. His mum told him not to because he might fall in. It's not very deep at all but it is rocky and he was surely going to fall in if he rode his bike through it. He told his mum to shut up and rode his bike into the river. He fell in practically immediately. He was drenched and I was entertained. So far, so good. He got out of the river but without the bike. The bike was in the middle of the river. He started crying. Not because he hurt himself but because he was wet. He was about 13 for fuck's sake. He stood on the bank of the river trying to reach out for the bike, his hand stretched out in front of him just in case The Force actually does work and he can magic his bike back on to dry land. His mother then tried to help. She asked Daniel to hold her hand and to use all his weight to make sure she didn't fall in the river as she stretched over to reach for the bike. She fell in practically immediately. This time, I wasn't so much entertained as overcome with a blend of pity and hate. Daniel's mum got out of the river and stood on the dry river bank. They just didn't know how they were going to get the bike out.
THEY HAVE BOTH BEEN IN THE RIVER AND ON BOTH OCCASIONS RAN AWAY FROM THE BIKE. What is wrong with these fuckwits? By now, I had decided to sit by the river and watch. Mum walked all the way round to the other side of the river, via two bridges, but even on the other side was too far away to reach the bike. Daniel's mum had run out of options. She asked for my help. That is normally the last thing that people do. The pathetic pair were soaking wet and shivering. I had to help. I pointed out to them that if Daniel walks into the river he can lift the bike and take it to dry land. Mum pointed out that he would get his wet shoes wet if he did that. OK, I said, why doesn't he take his shoes and socks off and walk in? Because, she replied, he would get his feet wet. I left them to it.
My house is starting to look slightly more bare. Once I get rid of these mocking items I'll have a lot more room. I've only put one thing on eBay so far but I hope you will be interested in buying it for your own home. I've had this framed photo of comedian Rex Boyd for ages. Happy bidding:http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330318489585