It has started.
The evil that is the Edinburgh Fringe Festival has truly begun. The deadline to get into the Fringe Brochure was two days ago and like any performer worth a damn I waited until the last day to even begin submitting my entry. Getting into the Fringe Brochure isn't quite as prestigious as it sounds. It's just a massive list of every show on at the festival and to get the information of your show's name, time, venue and your show's description into this Holy List then you have to fill out the world's most mind-numbingly dull form. It's a really, really long online form that just gets more pointless the further on it gets. My favourite part is probably the question "Are you eligible for a Fringe First Award?" I have no idea what a Fringe First Award is but I said Yes because I am a whore and love winning prizes. The online form then immediately told me, in big red letters, that I was NOT eligible for a Fringe First Award. If they knew that, why the fuck did they ask? Did they just want to remind me that I'm not good enough for an award? Do they just like to see me beg?
It's not all about filling out a long, tedious form though. There's also the fun, exciting money part. It costs £377.20 to put the words King of Everything plus a 37 word description into the Fringe Brochure. But to do that you have to register as a performer. That costs £10. In other words, you have to pay them just so you can pay them. Fuck that, I pondered. Luckily, the incompetent fucks at the Fringe Brochure website were having server problems so I had to phone to register. A bored man on the other end of the line asked me how I would like to pay the £10 performers fee and I told him "Fictionally". This confused him, mainly because he was happy sleeping in his bored bubble, so I explained that I wasn't going to pay to pay. He told me that everyone had to pay the £10 performers fee and I retorted with a very witty "Bugger off". He was quiet for a minute and then finally said "That's fair enough. I'll wave the fee and that'll be our little secret". That was very nice of him but fuck the secret. I got off paying £10! I want to tell everyone! HA HA HA! The Fringe Brochure Nazi's thought they could get the better of Michael D. Legge, well they can't! You poor suckers who ended up paying £387.20 just to put your crappy play or performance poetry or cunting comedy show into the brochure while I not only stood up to these corporate bastards that are ruining the fringe but I only paid a paltry £377.20 into the bargain. Fuck you, Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I WON'T be ripped off.
Now all I have to do is pay for the venue, my accommodation, flyers, posters, people to hand out the flyers, people to put up the posters, Steve Bennett for a good review, our entry into the Five Pound Fringe brochure, a PR person, people to actually come to see the show, drinks for cunts at The Library Bar nearly every fucking night and food for a month. If I have time I will try to write a show but that is hardly important right now.
I'm not all complainy though. The weather is far too excellent for that. Plus I had a lot of fun last night. I was booked into host East Dulwich Comedy and I couldn't help but think that the word host was a strange thing to see from my agent. Compere, yes. Host, no. I'd never been told that I'm hosting anything. Sounds too much like I have to open wine and make hors d'oeuvres rather than sigh and introduce a comedian. But it was host for a reason. I was not going to be compere that night. I don't know if you have an agent but if you do I'm pretty sure that that person will try to get you work in your chosen field; a support role in a play at the Riverside Studios, a support slot on Al Murray's tour, doing a bit of dancing at the English National Ballet. But mine is different. My agent likes to challenge both my skills and my patience. Last night I was booked at East Dulwich Comedy to host...a pub quiz.
It was fantastic. I love pub quizzes anyway but to finally have all the power (the answers) was something that I had always dreamt of even though I hadn't realised. I joked along with the teams and had a blast. There were about 8 teams, most of whom seem to be regulars, and they loved it so much that you couldn't help but get a buzz from their happiness. It's really weird to be joking and getting laughs (obviously) in a place that isn't there for comedy. They're there to win money and prove they're smart. But there was so much room to joke about and, basically, show off that the night just becomes something different from a normal quiz night. If you are a comedian, I heartily recommend that you do it. If you're not a comedian, I heartily recommend that you go to it when Martin Soan is the host. Apparently, he brings props and explosives.
Allow me to once again recommend The Trap Podcast. It's very funny and, if you have bionic hearing, you can hear me on it briefly. See if you can spot me. Plus Adam and Joe's latest podcast is excellent. Joe's impression of Jools Holland in his kitchen is hysterical. Well done, thems.
www.twitter.com/michaellegge
1 comment:
Really? You paid for a venue? And for flyers? And accommodation? Sucker.
Me, I don't put on a show. Saves me a fortune, which nearly makes up for the fact that it takes me twice as long to get to work, three times as long to get a pint, and several extra lifetimes explaining to, as you say "cunts" that I'm not interested in being accosted in the street, let alone seeing their show.
Apparently the festival is good for locals because it brings "money into the city". Maybe it does, if you happen to be a major pubco or a property letting agency. I'm going to show how good money is at 3am by throwing handfuls of pennies at the local councillors bedroom windows. Seriously, they can't complain if money is being thrown at Edinburgh representatives, or so I've been told.
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