I've said it before and I'll say it again: Justin Lee Collins is a cunt. But, I digress...
What a boring week it's been. Other than work stuff I've done nothing. I've even stayed at home a whopping three nights in a row. That might seem like nothing to you but that is total imprisonment to me. After night two I started to feel EXACTLY like Josef Fritzl's daughter. I'm sure now she and I would have very interesting conversations if we ever met. You have no idea the torment the two of us have been through. We both know the depression of being kept in the same room looking at all the couple of hundred DVD covers and deciding that there is absolutely NOTHING to watch. I'm sure there were many times that she must have scrolled through her mobile phone looking at all her friend's names and thinking to herself "Yeah, I'd love to go to the pub with them but I can't be bothered going too far and they would never go south. I know what Hans is like". Three days, twenty-six years; it's all exactly the same when you are a little bit bored.
The thing is, it's been a dull week anyway. I'm sure there are all sorts of horrible and important things going on in this world of ours but very little of it seems to make it's way to me. As far as news goes, mainly the idiot stuff gets shoved in my face. To be fair, mainly because I'm surprised that anyone would think that anyone would need to know this stuff.
Keisha has left the Sugababes. Lily Allen has quit the music business. Tommy Tiernan hates Jews.
WHO FUCKING CARES? Yes, yes, yes. I know. Me. But fuck me, this shouldn't end up on TV news, should it? Don't get me wrong, I find it quite funny that there is a successful pop band out there without a single original member in it while the actual three who started the group have solo careers. They could just re-form and call themselves The ACTUAL Sugababes. Mind you, they're about 23 now so maybe they should be called the Sugarbabes just to show how grown up they are now. Plus Lily Allen quitting the music industry wasn't the story, it was just the story that was shoved down our throats. The real story was that over 100 successful musicians gathered to support a sensible step towards dealing with illegal file-sharing and, as an incentive to music-lovers, they asked Lily Allen to quit the music business. Seems fair. Now, if someone could make her Dad stop...er...whatever it is that he does I'd be very happy.
Then yesterday the BBC news team revealed that Justin Lee Collins, an overstuffed pillow with Farrah Fawcett's old hair, thinks that Bruce Forsyth isn't up to the job of presenting Strictly Come Dancing. Let's just think about that for one second. A cunt thinks a cunt isn't good enough at being a cunt. That is the basic maths of what Justin is saying. It's probably how a very young Thatcher thought of that stupid old past-it Hitler. Yes, it's exactly the same as that. I don't watch Strictly Come Dancing and I realise that Bruce Forsyth is not for me, nor is he presented by television for me. But Justin Lee Collins sort of is and I've seen him bouncing up and down wearing a t-shirt that hilariously reads "If Found, Return To Pub" and annoying ex-celebrities that don't want to be reminded of the soap opera they were in 20 years ago. Yet somehow this ball of hair and sadness has deemed someone who has been in the entertainment business for over 1000 years not good enough to present fluff on a Saturday night to people who are only half watching because they're getting ready to go out and heckle me. I'm not a fan of either but Bruce sings (sort of), dances (a bit), tells jokes (in a corny way) and, whether I like it or not, has presented some of the biggest crap shows in British TV history. Justin, what is it that you do exactly?
Yeah, dangerous stuff. That's the kind of thing that I get angry about. It hasn't been a completely crap week though. Precious Little podcast has risen to the mighty 36th position in the iTunes Comedy chart and I thank everyone who subscribed. The next one will be out on Tuesday but there is also a mini-podcast out today. By the way, we've fallen to 73 at the time of writing. Hey ho. Allow me to end with something genuinely funny. I saw a tweet yesterday by someone called Hungbunny. It read: "Mock The Week without Frankie Boyle is like a paedophile without a penis". That made me laugh for a long time. Follow @hungbunny now, Tweeters.