Why does the smelly man ALWAYS sit near me? I reckon it's every three or four train journeys that I take has a smelly man who decides that the seat next to me is the best one. On Friday, the smelly man was very, very smelly.
He didn't sit next to me. That was at least a blessing. But fucking hell, did he stink? Yes. Yes, he did.
At first, I didn't notice him. He just got on the train and put his bag in the overhead....thing (what is that called?) but once he took his coat off his presence became known loud and clear. I assume his coat once belonged to Pandora because the evils that flew out of him were beyond repugnant. I would have vomited but I was too busy being dead.
He sat on the other side of the table in front of me. I had my laptop out and my earphones in ready to start watching The Wire (never seen it before. I know, I know) and he got two books out. There wasn't much that this man could do to make himself more of a bellend but he succeeded. As if the reek wasn't bad enough, and it was (he smelled like the dead. That weird lemon's gone off stench that dead people have), he got out two books. One was a leather bound copy of a book called The Bible and another was called Do People In Hell Still "Exist"? Good fucking grief. Once he had settled himself, he started reading the bible and, like any other completely sane human being, started praying. Out loud. On a fucking train. Why was this happening to me? I'm the most unfortunate man who has ever lived. Or so I thought. Then some sad fuck sat next to smelly man.
The poor cunt. If I was a better human being I would have just gave him a look as if to say run for your fucking life but do NOT sit next to this smelly nutter but I wanted to watch The Wire. If this stinking bit of insanity was going to talk to anyone I would want it to be him not me. And smelly man did talk to him. He talked to him a lot. Talking and talking and talking about salvation and Jesus and forgiveness and the next world and how homosexuality is wrong. This was before I read Jan Moir's Daily Mail article on the exact same subject: Gay's are disgusting.The only differences between smelly man and Jan Moir was that smelly man would not be so pathetic as to complain that his views had been distorted by an internet-based hate group and at least smelly man accidentally said something funny. The poor fuck beside him had to listen to this crap for the whole hour and a half journey to Birmingham, I only dropped in and out of the conversation. All I ever heard was "You tryin' to rip me off, motherfucker? I'll pop a cap in your ass, bitch. JESUS IS THE PATH. I got two things for you, McNulty. GOD HAS HIS PLAN. Dumb bitch got hisself shot. GAYS WILL BE DAMNED" but I did manage to hear one bit of his madness and I'm glad I did.
"Homosexuals", he said to the poor fuck who wished he was dead, "will never be accepted into Heaven".
I've been to Heaven. I'm not joking. There were loads of homosexuals there.
Smelly man was insane though. He couldn't help himself because he's mentally ill. In Birmingham this weekend I noticed that the people who roam around the centre of town are predominantly insane. The mad people outweigh the sane by quite some number. Very few people I saw weren't screaming at windows or telling themselves that the moon is following them. They can't help saying the wrong things they say because they are mentally ill. It's incredibly sad.
So, come on, everyone. Let's stop this horrible internet-based hate campaign that we all started against Jan Moir. She is to be pitied. Maybe even hospitalised. There's obviously something wrong with her. I mean a 50 year old woman can't just go to bed and wake up a bigotted cunt. Stands to reason.