I've done nothing. Since I got to Northern Ireland I've done absolutely nothing. I sleep a minimum of 10 hours, I shuffle around eating, drinking and making the occassional noise and then I go to bed again. I mean, I consider myself a lazy man but I had no idea of the incredible amount of fuck all I could achieve if I just refused to apply myself.
Last night I watched Cranford, for fuck's sake. That's how little I'm doing. I even enjoyed it. I didn't understand any of it but I enjoyed it. I don't know the characters or what goes on in Cranford but it was perfect I-refuse-to-move-from-the-sofa-to-pick-up-the-remote viewing despite it being baffling. It was like period-Lost. It looked very pretty and Tim Curry was in it and a cow got hit by a train and Imelda Staunton disappeared in a box. All I had to do was sit on my massive, fat arse, drinking booze, eating sweeties and looking at the pretty pictures. I thoroughly recommend it. Stop reading now and do fuck all. You won't regret it.
This morning, after four incredible days of nothing, I left the house and walked about a little bit. What a stupid fucking idea that was. When I'm not lying on the sofa and dribbling over Cranford I see people, places and things that upset me. Today I looked at my first newspaper in a week. What a stupid penis I am.
The main story in some of today's newspapers focuses on crap terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. I was already miffed when it came to Umar because he tried to blow up an airplane with 300 people in it (he failed. Honestly, what are they teaching in terrorist camps, these days? RUBBISH!) but today's papers have shown me that he is a lot worse than I thought. Did you know that he once went on a school trip to Buckingham Palace? ISN'T THAT THE MOST DISGUSTING THING THAT YOU HAVE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE EVER? Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab disgusts me now. How could an evil, sick, unsuccessful "murderer" like him ever be allowed into the nation's favourite building? Anything could have happened! He could have sneaked away from the rest of his school group and made a bomb and then not killed The Queen. It's DISGUSTING that this man who in the future would fail at terrorism was allowed to have his picture taken beside a corgi. He is now so much more evil than he was a few days ago. Definitely.
I am furiously angry with this piece of trivial non-news that I refuse to leave the sofa again until I leave Northern Ireland. In fact, right now I am getting my feet rubbed while I sprawl on the sofa with a lovely cup of tea. If I ever screw up blowing up a Hovercraft or something in years to come please send this blog to them newspaper people. The country will need to know how evil I was while doing fuck all.