Minutes after I wrote yesterday’s blog I received a phonecall from Li Ping the cunt. The cunt said that he would meet me at Lewisham train station anytime I wanted. That’s more like it, you cunt.
As I’m Mr. Lovely 2010 I decided that I’d go along and see my good deed to it’s intended conclusion. This meant not putting Li Ping’s phone on eBay and getting about £50 for it. I had already decided that I was going to buy the upcoming Doctor Who Kamelion boxset with Li Ping’s money but now, thanks to my stupid loveliness, I’m going to have to buy that crappy boxset with MY money. Still, it’s the good deed itself that should be the reward. Sadly, I’m a realist and the good deed itself is a pain in the arse, not a reward. I hate good deeds.
I turned up at Lewisham Train station at 3 as agreed. He was late. It got to five past (not that late, I agree, but if it was my phone I would have made sure I was on time. I’m sorry but I’m just that sort of a prick) and he still hadn’t turned up. I called him and he said he was at Lewisham. I described what I looked like (Brad Pitt body with a Daniel Day-Lewis intense mature beauty about me. And a big Russian hat) thinking that he could easily pick me out. That plus I was the only person standing outside the train station. Five minutes go by and he still doesn’t appear. I mean, for fuck’s sake. Lewisham train station isn’t that big. You can’t get THAT lost in it. I get really pissed off, call him and say in a stern voice that I’m leaving. He keeps telling me that he can’t find the main exit but I am now so pissed off with the cunt that I don’t care about my good deed at all. I will never do another good deed again in my life. I hate Li Ping and I’m sorry that I ever tried to help him.
Well, I was sorry until he appeared.
“Are you Michael?”, said the very sweet looking young girl with a man’s voice.
I quickly handed her the phone and left. I had to leave. I had to leave because I had to laugh.
She was so grateful and thanked me a lot, just like I wanted but there was no way that I could pretend that I wasn’t surprised at her gender. I held it in for as long as I could and if it wasn’t for the sound of my eyebrows shooting off my face then I’m sure she’d have no clue that I was surprised. My casual walk away from Li Ping quickly turned into a speed walking frenzy. Li Ping is a girl.
I really didn’t expect that and the fact that my brain couldn’t process all the information in front of it just made the whole laborious malarkey of returning his…HER phone completely worth it. All of a sudden I really like Li Ping. She’s full of surprises. Or at least has one so big that there’s no room for any more surprises.
It made my day. Staying in and watching the National Television Awards obviously ruined it. What a God awful spectacle of dumbing down celebrations that was. A pubeless nothing opened the show with a song that should have been buried and forgotten about along with him and a billion airheads in frocks screamed their expensive breasts off to the very sight of a cunt from “Corrie”. I switched off pretty much when Gavin & Stacey won the Adolf Hitler Memorial Award for All That Is Wrong. We are fucked, Ladies and Gentlemen, we are fucked. Gavin & Stacey beat TV Burp and The Inbetweeners. You’d be really hard pushed to think of anything better made in Britain these days. Except maybe Cadbury’s chocolate. At least that has remained true to itself and not got all cheesey. HA HA HA HA HA HA! Well, fuck it. If this is what I have to do to get a writing job on ITV I’ll fucking do it.