This is my third internet cafe of the day. The first two I went to had no internet access despite the fact that they both had signs that bragged to fuck about the huge amount of internet access they had. Could I be in Edinburgh? Yes, I am.
I love the Land of NO. No matter how frustrating it is to try to get anything at all, it's still a beautiful city to visit. I got to sit at the front of the plane on my way here (the front seat, obviously. That would be very cold) and when I got off the plane I stepped straight on to the city centre shuttle bus which started it's journey immediately. Brilliant. Everything is going Legge's way in 2010. I haven't got into any arguments yet and already it's a much more positive, less embarrassing year. Nearly.
Jerk started barking at a special needs kid yesterday. Yes, I might as well just start this story with the end because it was deeply stressful and I'd like to pass some of that stress to you right from the word go. It was awful. There was this little kid enjoying what's left of the snow and laughing and playing and having a great time when my vicious, insensitive, predjudiced dog spotted her and went into a frenzy of fury.
I can't quite say what sparked this off but I do know Jerk has a problem with people who are... different? By that, I mean they could have a hat on and Jerk would be freaked out. She has barked at people wearing turbans, bike helmets and police helmets (to be fair, I taught her to bark at the last one) and it's slightly embarrassing but nowhere near as shameful as when she barks at a special needs kid who is wearing a hat with rabbit ears on it.
Have you ever tried to calm a crying special needs kid while a dog incessantly barks at her? It's not as easy or as fun as it sounds. Her mother, luckily, found it hilarious and couldn't stop laughing despite the torment her child was going through. I think it was probably my pathetic "Do you want to stroke her?" while I'm holding a door with the Devil in it's eyes that did it.
This is rare for Jerk. Very rare. In fact, although she's barked at people who wear hats before, I can normally spot who she might bark at. It's normally big hats. Very big. Luckily very few Buckingham Palace guards and comedy Russians walk through the park in Lewisham so I generally feel very confident about any hat wearers near her. This little girls hat was small but, at the end of the day, Jerk is a Lurcher bred to hunt rabbits. She was only doing her job.
Despite making a special needs child cry uncontrollably and her Mother laugh uncontrollably, I still think that 2010 is a much more positive year. I'm keeping to my New Year's resolution of keeping out of trouble and I'm quite happy with the small pieces of writing I've done for a possible Edinburgh show. There are new Los Quattros Cvnts shows coming up too (the first one at The Phoenix, Cavendish Square om 3rd February with Robin Ince) and that makes me very happy. Yep, it's great being me. So great that I feel more positive than ever (that's quite easy, to be honest). I even want to pay my positivity forward.
On Tuesday night Susan Murray arranged another very successful Comedian's Christmas Party at the Bed Bar above the Comedy Cafe. On my way, I passed by a homeless man. I felt bad because I really did want to give him something but I had no change. Still, I'm going to give him eye contact, smile, say sorry that I can't help him and wish him luck. He looked up at me.
"Sorry, mate. No change", I said.
"I didn't ask for any", he replied.
This was true. True and embarrassing. I swiftly walked away only to hear the word "wanker" drift towards me on the wind.
2010 is going to be the same as usual.