Yesterday, I was thrown out of a show. Is there anything more embarrassing or belittling to a performer than to be asked to leave a show they're watching? Joe Power can talk to the dead but, as it turns out, finds it very difficult to chat to the living.
If you don't know who Joe Power is then you have done very well indeed. Keep up the good work. Stop reading this now and go and watch Doctor Who. You deserve it. Joe Power is a thug who tells lies to not very bright and very vulnerable people. He claims that he can contact your deceased loved ones and can pass on what they say to you. I don't really need to go into detail about how totally fucking ridiculous that is. Even when people say "I had a feeling you'd like this jam" they are completely wrong. You might think you had a feeling that I would like this jam and coincidentally you're right. That's how much of a sceptic I am. People claiming to talk to the dead are hardly likely to impress me.
And why would it? As David Reed pointed out, talking to the dead is easy. Anyone can do it. It's when they talk back that it's impressive.
But that has never ever happened ever to anyone ever. So, yes, I went to see Joe Power to laugh at the stupid fucking idiot but when I saw the lack of audience he was attracting I felt sorry for him. Despite him being a very well paid liar and him doing time for GBH, I felt sorry for him. I mean, he truly musn't have a friend in the world because surely a real friend would stop you doing the Edinburgh Fringe if you do what he does. This isn't the place for that sort of thing. That feeling of actually caring for Joe Power didn't last too long.
His walk-in music was just a long, long, LONG recording of a heartbeat. You know, the very thing that your deceased loved ones don't have. Nice touch, Joe. Then the lights go down and a voiceover man tell us that we are about to go on a journey to the spiritworld, a journey to the unknown, a journey to the world of the dead. We didn't go anywhere. We were just bored. Joe walked on to the stage wearing a glittery t-shirt and silver shoes and that's all the showmanship we got. Instead of wowing us with his connections to our very souls he bored the arse off of everyone with his fucking tedious, racist life story. Joe was originally sceptical about the supernatural. He didn't believe in any of it until he met a psychic called Chang who told Joe "Harrow! You rikey fly lice! OK, Joe, ten dollah!". Something as racist as that anyway. He stopped himself from dragging his eyelids to slits with his fingers and sticking his teeth out but the racist "Chinky" voice was there in all it's glory. It was about then that my own psychic powers correctly predicted that Joe Power is a terrible prick.
After 15 long minutes Joe finally got down to showing us his gift. He explained that while talking to us he will be looking at his big tarot cards that are never wrong. If he says something and you say he's wrong then you are a liar. Very clever stuff. But he was correct pretty much immediately. It sounds hard to believe but someone in the room DID know someone called Dave. What are the chances of that? Joe is AMAZING! Turns out that Dave isn't dead but in fact alive. That's OK because it's not Dave that has contacted Joe. It's someone with a message for Dave. Erm...right. OK. Joe looked into the spiritworld again and unbelievably just somehow knew that this woman in her late 60's had dead parents. It was incredible. How could he know this? He's a fucking GOD. He asked the lovely old dear "Are your parents dead?" She said yes. "Your mother and your father are dead. Am I right?". Again she said yes. "Your parents are dead?" The woman didn't say anything the third time because she had already answered twice. That's when Joe tactfully said "Hello. Answer me. I am alive". Well, good for you, Joe. This woman's parents are dead but you're alive. What great comfort that must be to her, you thieving fucking cunt.
It was this woman's father who had a message for Dave. Typical dad's. Even when contactable from beyond the grave, they never really want to talk to you. The message was this: "Tell Dave to be careful with vehicles". I burst out laughing.
How could I not laugh? A man has spoken from beyond the grave and all he fucking has to say is basically "look after yourself". The stupid dead cunt. That's it? No "there really is a God" or "there is eternal happiness when you die"? He just popped into a different spiritual plane to say "be lucky". The rude get.
Joe clearly said that there would be people in the audience who have only come for a bit of a giggle but that's OK. But as he is a liar it turns out that he told a lie. It really isn't OK to laugh at him. That was when he got a bit cross, pointed at Chris George who was sitting beside me and said "Right. You laughed at that. Let's talk to you".
Brilliant! I got away with it. I laughed at something very funny but someone else got the blame. All I had to do now is sit back and quietly watch Chris get thwarted by the wrath of Joe Power.
Damn. I felt guilty. After asking Chris 17 times if it was him who had laughed I reluctantly confessed. Looking back. I'm glad I did.
"There's something wrong with one of your testicles", said Joe.
HE'S RIGHT! Joe was absolutely right. I have a weird circle on my right testicle. How could Joe know that? He has the gift. Anyone who has ever seen me naked is too embarrassed or mentally scarred to talk about it so it only makes sense that a ghost must have seen me in the bath and told Joe about my "different" ball.
"I don't want to see your testicles. I'm not gay".
AAAAHHHHH! Joe got me! He fucking got me. He said that there was something wrong with one of my testicles and he was right and I thought a ghost had seen me in the bath and told him about my "different" ball but actually he just said it as a joke. HA HA! Brilliant one, Joe. Man, is my face red. I thought you had contacted the dead to discuss my health but actually you were just pointing out to everyone that I'm a flithy fucking disgusting queer. HIGH-larious!
Joe quickly put his correct prediction to one side and threw out another one. "You've been in two relationships? Yeah?" I assumed he meant two long term relationships and he was right. I went out with someone for four years and now I'm married. That's two. Joe was right. Great, we're back. "You got binbagged by one of them, didn't you?" Such a charming phrase. And wrong. My first long term relationship was ended by me in a style that would make a great opera. Joe pointed out to me and everyone that I was lying. I wasn't. "The cards have told me". I pointed out to Joe that, although his cards are always right, this one time they are mistaken. "I was there", I told him. Again I was told I was wrong. It was starting to get embarrassing. "Are you in entertainment? A performer or comedian?" asked Joe. During August? In Edinburgh? What are the chances? He was right. Brilliant. Joe's back again again. "In two years time, there's going to be something to do with you and television". I looked really happy and said "Hooray! I'm going to make it!" It got a bit of a laugh and the mood lifted. Well, everyone's mood except Joe's. He thought I was taking the piss out of him when all I was doing was recognising it was all a bit embarrassing and trying to lighten the mood. "I didn't say you'd be any good" said Joe and I got embarrassed. He obviously things I'm out to get him when all I simply wanted to do was laugh at the stupid prick. I tried a bit of self-deprecating humour. "Maybe in two years I'll buy a TV?", I said. He hated that. Time for me to shut up. Then he asked if I or anyone that I know is planning a trip abroad soon? I mean as broad as that question is I just couldn't think of anyone I know planning any travelling except the Journey back to London at the end of the month. This lead him to ask this: "I'm thinking something abroad or in theatre or here". I couldn't really respond to that because I didn't know what it meant. It's just a collection of things. He then asked me to leave. I apologised and left embarrassed and shamed.
Being thrown out of Joe Power's show. What could be worse? Being thrown in to Tom Binns' show perhaps?
In a way, it's a shame because I missed Joe correctly telling Helen George about her life simply by using his supernatural powers to read the texts on her phone and then asking James Hingley, who I was sitting with, if he knew any comedians. But, I had to leave anyway because I was going to see Stewart Lee. It was a great show but I still wanted him to ask me to leave. I have a taste for it now.
Don't go to see Joe Power. The biggest crime is that it is tediously dull and he is a genuinely horrible, nasty human being. Don't worry. I got in free so none of my money went to the evil prick. Afterwards I was told that I was the only person he asked to leave during this run which made me proud and disappointed at the same time.
I have more to say about Joe but I'll save that for tomorrow. Bye for now.
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