Monday, 22 February 2016

Take It Off

I hope you'll forgive me for this. I don't ever really write things like this but, sorry, but something awful happened to me on my way home last night. Sorry.

I was standing on the train platform and a woman came along and stood beside me. She was too close but not close enough for me to make a fuss of it. I moved a few steps away and pretty soon she moved a few steps closer. Sorry. It wasn't that awful... It's hard to explain. It just felt like my space was being invaded for no reason. Maybe it wasn't. Sorry. I just felt a bit awkward, I suppose. I definitely suddenly became too aware of how short my trousers were. Sorry.

Then the train arrived. I was totally relieved because it meant I could get on and get away from this woman. But everything went wrong as soon as the train came to a stop. I held my hand out to press the OPEN button on the door but she got there first and she smiled at me as she said "After you". Like an idiot, I said thank you and walked through the door. IDIOT! Everyone knows that if a woman holds a door open for you and you agree to walk through then that's a contract. A contract you've agreed to. I knew she was creepy but, I swear to God, I thought she was just being nice. Sorry. So I took a seat and she sat next to me.

I looked out the window and pretended to ignore how she was just staring and smiling at me. I mean, I thought she was just letting me on to a train. I thought the only reason she noticed me was because I was a fellow passenger who wanted to make the same journey she did. But no. She wanted more. Sorry. I was on there with her for 4 stops and she made herself clear at every moment. 

I asked her to stop touching me but she kept reminding me that if I was going all the way to Lewisham then I'd be better off being looked after by someone like her. Someone older, someone that knew the area. I sometimes thought she was right. Sorry. Idiot. Sorry. But it didn't feel right. We got to London Bridge and she started kissing me. I asked her to stop but she told me that if she hadn't pressed the OPEN button on the door then I'd never even have got on the fucking train in the first place so I owed her. Going through St Johns was horrible. Sorry. But it was there that I decided that enough was enough. No one should have to suffer the things she thought were totally normal. She thought it was acceptable. I'm sorry. I got off at Lewisham and refused to even acknowledge her. I went straight to the police. They also brought in the transport police. I sat down with all of them and I told them exactly what I've told you.

Now I'm legally obliged to record six albums with her. How does any of that make sense? 

Thursday, 11 February 2016

On Rocky Ground.

As you may or may not know, this week I have been taking on the considerable might of comedians who box and I HAVE BEEN KICKING THEIR ASSES (from the safety of behind my laptop, I'm not an idiot). I made a joke, went too far, my fault. But I haven't forgotten what the money raised from the boxing night went to: a very young boy who is ill and needs money to get get better.

It's important that you read this.

His illness is time sensitive so money is needed right now. The charity is halfway through to it's target so donate right now. £1, £10, £500. Anything. I need new recording equipment for podcasting that will cost me £100. I won't get it now because I gave the £100 to Care For Kian because podcasting equipment isn't that important. Ask anyone who has heard Vitriola. What I'm saying is, instead of buying an extra pint tonight or paying for drugs to give to a prositute patient of yours so she might sleep with you (if you're George Osborne's brother), why not just give the money here?

Just do it right now. Then you'll feel great about yourself.

Help raise more money by helping arrange a benefit night. I want to arrange a kissing night where I can beat all the Fight For Kian boxers at kissing. I shall kiss each and every one of them for at least 10 minutes each to see who is the best at kissing. I will easily win. Milo McCabe has already said yes, which is great because he's the boxer that looks most like a beautiful woman. That said, I think there were some women boxing too, so even better. but mainly I just want to get off with Eliott Steel as he's young and I can prove I've still got it. Plus, we'd raise money for a worthy cause and Kian could get better and stronger and then come round and punch me for making fun of his boxer friends.

Surely that's worth your donation?

Donate. Like. Share. Do it right now.

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